Chasing Mermaids

Dearest North Carolina,

You have driven me to liquor. That’s okay. You were never cool to begin with in the first place. Sorry if this letter doesn’t make sense, I’ve been drinking. But then again, it seems like you have as well…because that decision you made today was just plain stupid. I once went to church every week. Hell, I was an altar boy. Unfortunately all of you bigoted Christians forced me away from the church. I think I finally realized one day that people create this false perception of God to keep themselves comfortable. Guess what? We don’t know shit about God. We don’t know if God is a woman. A man…shit RuPaul. WE HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE. So do me and yourselves a favor and keep to yourself. Because at the end of the day that is the ONLY thing we have. THE ONLY THING. You can only disappoint yourself. You can only make yourself happy. Thanks North Carolina. Today you showed me idiots do exist, but I’m going to turn the other cheek because that is what Jesus would want me to do. Guess what bitches, Jesus hung out with the lepers, pretty sure he would be the grand marshall of gay pride today in 2012. Open your mind, and your hearts…then maybe you can join the rest of us in heaven. 

Peace,

BrayBray

(I blame the booze). 

I have never been one of those people to swoon over Judy Garland. I think society TOLD me she was a legend. I saw WIZARD OF OZ when I was a wee one and it is still one of my favorites. I mean Garland is absurdly talented. But it wasn’t until recently…like Friday night when I began preparing for an audition for a production of “Meet Me In St. Louis” that I came to know Garland for her genius. Vincent Minnelli was fascinated with the girl…you can tell by his stellar framing of her in each shot. She is sublime. Floating around effortlessly on that set like it is her home. Liza said in a commentary that when she first arrived on set she was “kidding” around. Kidding every line and throwing it away. Then Minnelli pulled her aside and said, “Judy…you need to take this seriously. If you can’t believe this story…this girl…the audience won’t”. And MEET ME IN ST. LOUIS was born. This is perhaps one of my favorite films of Garland and I cannot believe I have waited this long in my life to see it. 

Cut to tonight as I’m driving around Culver City with my room mate post dinner. I decided to Spotify Judy and we began listening to “Judy, Judy, Judy” her engagement at Carnegie Hall. As the overture begins the audience is immediately on their feet in applause. It’s clear from the speakers of my car that this is ONE adored woman. And I just got so emotional. Towards the end of the overture when “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” plays the applause is so uproarious it gives you a headache. The woman hasn’t even stepped a foot on stage. At this point in her career the woman is crazy…the after affects of a childhood in the limelight and lots of drugs…lots and lots of uppers and downers. But America and the world didn’t care…they saw Judy as a supreme talent. In the end, that is all you want to be recognized for. The stories you have to tell. The voice you have to bring. Miss you Judy. I know you are tap dancing in heaven. And hey…at least you’ve gotten the vacation you always wanted. 

maroon 5 plays. oddly enough i like their new song. it’s 2:14am and I am still up. my sinuses are draining and i am slightly nauseated. i have been sick lately. a lot. i think i make myself sick with all of the stress. truly. stress is a killer. so many things to worry about. where i’m going. where i’ve been. money. it’s a bitch. my career. everything. life isn’t easy. especially if you are an actor in a city of talentless but beautiful people. i grow tired of people. when i say i am going to do something, i do it. i don’t sit around. i fucking do it. apparently that isn’t the case for everyone. i know it is horrible Jesus but sometimes I get so envious of the people who have already made it that it brings me to tears. this is a journey. and i love this journey. i just wish it were filled with more passionate people who care about the art for the art. yes we all need a paycheck at the end of the day, but i feel like there is no concept of artistic quality in this city sometimes. it is there but like a flower not able to fully bloom. there are anomalies. everywhere. people who have come out of the woodwork to arise to the occasion and work. collaborate. but it is rare. i don’t know what is harder. the life of an actor or a traveling salesman? they are virtually the same thing. 

A thought came to me today. I always seem to compare myself to other people in this industry. Then I realized no one is quite like me. The same can be said for anyone. At the end of the day it is about creating something inventive and beautiful (on any scale). I’m used to thinking of success as immediate…but it takes time. Lately I have been feeling like a failure, but it occurred to me that in the mere 11 months that I have been out of college I have already accomplished so much. Comparing or stressing over things you can’t control is a waste of time and hurts creative growth. The end.